Cause I heard Paperweight today, and that killed a part of me.

Every day, when I fight with my mother, I think I'll never talk to her again. I feel bitter. I feel angry. I feel a very strong emotion of negativity. And then two days later we're usually sitting and chatting like we never fought. That's just me. And I know that's a lot of us. We all feel bitter some time or the other. Bitter about how people behaved with us, treated us, said to us, said about us. But I've learnt that bitterness is a feeling you can't hold on forever. You possibly can't keep a grudge against someone forever. It's just not possible. You can't have the same feeling forever towards one individual. You can't feel love for someone all your life, right? Similarly, you can't be bitter all your life. But you can be bitter for a long time. Even if you pretend to have gotten over it, blame a person or two, try to shrug it away, it doesn't change what you feel in your heart. Either time makes such changes, or situations.

But what doesn't go away that easily is pain. Is remorse. Is the helplessness. You can't just wake up one day and say "you know what, I'm not going to feel bad about someone's death". Its the pain that doesn't leave you, for a long long time. Sometimes I feel, its easier to be angry than to accept that you're in pain. Everyone is not strong enough to pull themselves together and get on with their lives. Some people need more help than others. Some people need friends to be their therapists. Some people try alot but eventually don't get past their pain. The pain absorbs them completely. Its like fighting a losing battle, and then one day, they surrender.
I might be one of them.

Ok, I'm done feeling sappy for tonight.

The life of a nomad.

In the twenty two years of my existence, there hasn't been one place that i could call home. It's like being a sapling, that is uprooted every time it starts spreading its roots in one place. I've lived in a lot of cities, I liked some, I hated some. But there was only one that I loved. maybe that's because I found more people like me there. We didn't really belong to that place, yet we all felt like we belonged.

I've been back in Gurgaon for over seven months now, but I still can't get myself to call this place home. My parents have a better social life than me. Even my younger sister has a better social life than me! And that's really saying something! I have a job here now, but that doesn't mean I belong. I might have a comfortable life here, but I'd give it up for a nomad's life in an instant. It's like being on an extended vacation, just grossly over extended. So the excitement of shopping, doing things with the family, the comforts and luxuries of home don't seem that attractive anymore.

I've met alot of people, who've spent their entire life in one city. They're in their comfort zone, satisfied with the fact that their life has not had sudden and huge changes, satisfied that there are people they know, they've known since junior school or high school at the most. They've lived in the same area, have had the same hang outs, have known their cities inside out. I envy those people sometimes. I wonder what it would've been like, if we had never moved out of Delhi. Or maybe just stayed back in one of the 7-8 cities that we lived in. I would've been able to keep in touch with those friends, I would've seen my city change through the years, I would've had certain routines and a certain lifestyle.

Sometimes, I'm glad we moved around so much. The travelling, the exposure, the different experiences taught me alot. Maybe more than I could've handled, but then again, they're life lessons that I had to learn sometime or the other. Dealing with different people, settling into a new lifestyle, a new culture, new schools, new houses, new neighbours, etc etc. It was a learning experience all the time. Excessive learning sometimes. And that's what made me a no mad. It helped me appreciate the good compared to the terrible places we've lived in. It helped me appreciate good friends, different cultures and most importantly, it helped me meet new people and fall in love.

One of my classmates from college tweeted this quote she read at the Delhi airport that said "When you feel no desire to wander is when you know that you belong". And I could really relate to it. Because I have that desire to wander, and maybe wander for the rest of my life, looking for that place where I would belong. And someday, somewhere, I will feel at home. 

Incomplete. Still.

Today was one of those perfect days that could explain the feeling I was talking about last night. I had a good day at work today. A productive day. A hectic day. I stayed an extra hour. I was dying for this to happen to me. The crazy work hours, the randomness at the office, calling for tarts when things got boring, fresh air to get to know the staff better, locker room conversations, and then changing into a dirty crumpled t shirt at the end of the day only to bump into the big boss on my way out. A couple of weeks back, I would have killed for even half of that. Some sort of diversion or distraction from what life had become.

Then why doesn't it feel different? It's not that I'm being greedy for more or for something better, but it's that special element in my life that's missing. Its an emptiness that refuses to go away. It's like standing in the middle of some beautiful place, really really beautiful, and not being able to feel a thing. There's colour and hapiness and beauty and other gay shit all around, but it makes no difference to the heart. Its like a finger print reading machine that suddenly stopped recognizing you one day. Ok, I agree that was a pathetic comparison, but you get my point right?

On a brighter note, now I am really tempted to swing the other way. Just cause of one person. I never thought one person could have that sort of effect on my life. I have come to realize and accept that man is a selfish being. Also, every human being always wants something better. Even when they should be happy ogling, they try, and then they get slapped. I haven't reached the slap yet. But i will soon.

 I miss my old life. I really do. Today, someone told me at work, that they see alot of potential in me and can see me go places. I'm supposed to be happy after that right? I was happy for a while, and then I thought, if I had been in a smaller city, not in such a great job, not with the brightest prospects, but with the people I adored and loved, in the place that felt like home, living the life I already had, maybe I'd have been happy there too.

Maybe, just maybe, I can't have the best of both worlds. Then what would I strive for, right? If I had that perfect life, who'd I be envious of? So I'll just have to be content with what I have, and keep working towards something, maybe the only thing I CAN control. Rest is not for me to decide.

Incomplete.

To start with, no, I'm not trying to make this cool by using a backstreet boys song as the title.

I finally got a job. My first interview with this hotel was random. I was so sure I didn't want to work for a hotel. I was so sure I wasn't qualified and experienced enough. But I still gave the interview because there was a certain amount of desperation involved. It had been so long since I had given an interview, it felt good to be heard, to be questioned and to give answers I was proud of. I was myself. I was satisfied with the way it went.

I didn't get a call from them for 2 weeks. So I kind of gave up on them. Then, one random morning, I got a call from J again. She asked me if I was still interested. And it was that split second decision I had to make. Do I really want it? Yes. But do I want to settle as a trainee? Not really? Should I take whatever I get? I've been home for 6 months now, it might not be the best time to act pricey. And then I made my split second decision. I said, I really don't want to be a trainee for another year. So I'd prefer a slightly higher position. It was a risk, but I took it. Somethings give you a good feeling, this was one of them. Next day, I went to the hotel with dad. Where dad's working currently. I looked at flower arrangements for the lobby, saw everything, met everyone, facebooked, acted like the boss's daughter. Then i got a call from J. She asked me if I could come over in 20 minutes. I said not possible. She said she'll call back. I prayed that she would. She called me back in half and hour, asking me to come over in 2 hours. I immediately rushed back home, got into some formals (the only pair of pants and the only shirt that I can fit into). And I reached. I went over some funny dialogues in my head. I felt confident. As confident as I could be. I knew I was going to have my second interview with some important people. But I had no clue who. I knew one of them was the GM. That's all.

I know I haven't given too many interviews, including all interviews I gave in AIESEC. But this was officially the most kick ass interview ever. Like ever. EVER. I am in awe of the 2 people who took my interview, not just because they're cool, but because they are great interviewers. So they liked me, because yes, I am awesome. And I loved the idea. I suddenly had a job. I was offered the position of an Associate. The pay's good. Life got exciting again.

Now comes the incomplete part. I know this is weird. But I've been looking for the perfect job for so long. And I finally found one! My uniform is a red dress, with stockings! I actually have a job! Where I am being productive. They really liked me! But i still have this feeling of being incomplete. I have this hole in my heart. This gap which my job couldn't fill, although this job is everything I wanted and needed at this point of time in my life. I don't know if it's normal. I don't know if it's a phase. I don't know when I'll get over it. I'm not even interested in being hit on. God, am I turning asexual like Daru? Maybe. I've been overdozing. On everything I can lay my hands on. Even Thoughtcatalog articles! I just can't get off that website. I used to sit on websites like iwasteesomuchtime.com...that really was my peak of joblessness. And depression maybe. For the last 2 months, while I drive to the gym every day, I listen to sad, depressing music. I can't get myself out of that routine. Even today, while driving back from work, I heard some song and I burst out crying. I've never been like that. That's not me. I was single for 21 years of my life, but I never felt this lonely. I can relate to 80% of those depressing thought catalog articles! I randomly call up my best friends and cry. But it doesn't make anything better. Because it isn't getting better. And might not ever get better.

Sometimes I feel, I should just end up focusing on my career, and be this corporate bitch in the next ten years, with a Porsche. But then, there are days when I think, how long will I be happy that way? Till when will I buy myself happiness? What will happen when the day comes that I can't even buy myself happiness? And that's why I feel incomplete. And I don't need random guys hitting on me to make me feel better. I'd rather stuff a sock in their mouth.

HR Nazis.

Human Resource departments in India are awfully narrow minded. They think that by sticking to the rules during recruiting new employees, they'll find the best lot. In HR departments here, it is unheard of, to think out of the box. They stick to the basics, are don't bother beyond that.
For example, I'm a smart person, who ideally should have found a job by now. But I haven't. The first thing an HR professional will do, after looking at my CV, is complain about how I haven't found a job in so many months. Why can't they think beyond the fact that everyone is not desperate to work all the time! Maybe, just maybe, people like to take breaks. Or people are interested in pursuing other interests for a while. Or that when people claim to have some experience, they actually do, and are not exaggerating for the sake of that one interview.
I think this is mostly because people applying for jobs want good ones, without necessarily having the qualification or experience. But on the other hand, there are some people, who could be great for a particular job, without the exact qualifications or decades of experience, but are still rejected, because HR people don't like to take risks or experiment with who they hire.
I have noticed that in India, people are not as result oriented as they should be. I don't know if I've become like that because of AIESEC or did I always have a conscience. But there's so much one can do in
HR and most of the people seem so uninterested. I wish they would be more open minded and less lazy! Its disheartening to see the kind of pre conceived notions most working people have of HR people.

Songs that will be eternally awesome.

So unfortunately I'm quite a romantic at heart, and some of the best songs written and sung are beautifully romantic. 
Here's my very own list of songs that I will never get over. They'll never get too much. And they will definitely keep reminding me why I love music so much. And how soothing every single one of these songs are. 


First is my exclusive romantic list:


1. The Only Exception - Paramore
Don't even get me started why. Its just awesome. And will always be. 


2. Even Angels Fall - 10 things I hate about you.
Because its from a movie we all loved at some point in our lives and can watch it any number of times.


3. Can't Take My Eyes Of You - Lady Antebellum
Cause it just reminds you of good times you've had some time or the other. Very romantic. 



4. Say - John Mayor
It's important to be brutally honest, even if you need to be brutally honest with your own self at some point of time in your life. Especially in love.



5. You Found Me - The Fray
A song I often cry to.


6. Save Tonight - Eagle Eye Cherry
Because it was Mark and my song since 2008.


7. My December - Linkin Park
It reminds me of the importance of December. And how it marks the end and the beginning of something every year.


8. Breakeven - The Script
This song is great, unless you're actually going through a heart break. Then it just makes you cry.


9. Paperweight - Joshua Radin
It's one of the most beautiful songs I have heard, with amazing lyrics, and was played in a super awesome movie, which was written by a super amazing author, Nicholas Sparks. Love the author, movie and song.


10. With or without you - U2
This song is like an important lesson in love. 




Not-so-romantic awesome songs:



1. Drops of Jupiter - Train
Because its a happy and singable song. And it's just been one of my favourites for about a year now.


2. Smile like you mean it - The Killers & Clocks - Coldplay
Both songs remind me of Varun Mohan, a very important person in my life. They were both played at important times in my AIESEC career. Like resignations and toasting. Drunk times, when we truly cherished our teams and our friends.


3. Hallelujah - Rufus Wainwright
Again, it's just a great song!


4. She will be loved - Maroon 5
Only because this was Sneha's favourite song in the 11th grade. And she introduced me to Maroon 5 through this song. And because someone in particular sang it heart breakingly well. 


5. Airplanes - BOB ft Hayley Williams
Only for, I could really use a wish right now!


6. On My Highway - Jason Aldean
This song reminds me of Andrea and 501. Also, it's some real good country music.