Incomplete. Still.

Today was one of those perfect days that could explain the feeling I was talking about last night. I had a good day at work today. A productive day. A hectic day. I stayed an extra hour. I was dying for this to happen to me. The crazy work hours, the randomness at the office, calling for tarts when things got boring, fresh air to get to know the staff better, locker room conversations, and then changing into a dirty crumpled t shirt at the end of the day only to bump into the big boss on my way out. A couple of weeks back, I would have killed for even half of that. Some sort of diversion or distraction from what life had become.

Then why doesn't it feel different? It's not that I'm being greedy for more or for something better, but it's that special element in my life that's missing. Its an emptiness that refuses to go away. It's like standing in the middle of some beautiful place, really really beautiful, and not being able to feel a thing. There's colour and hapiness and beauty and other gay shit all around, but it makes no difference to the heart. Its like a finger print reading machine that suddenly stopped recognizing you one day. Ok, I agree that was a pathetic comparison, but you get my point right?

On a brighter note, now I am really tempted to swing the other way. Just cause of one person. I never thought one person could have that sort of effect on my life. I have come to realize and accept that man is a selfish being. Also, every human being always wants something better. Even when they should be happy ogling, they try, and then they get slapped. I haven't reached the slap yet. But i will soon.

 I miss my old life. I really do. Today, someone told me at work, that they see alot of potential in me and can see me go places. I'm supposed to be happy after that right? I was happy for a while, and then I thought, if I had been in a smaller city, not in such a great job, not with the brightest prospects, but with the people I adored and loved, in the place that felt like home, living the life I already had, maybe I'd have been happy there too.

Maybe, just maybe, I can't have the best of both worlds. Then what would I strive for, right? If I had that perfect life, who'd I be envious of? So I'll just have to be content with what I have, and keep working towards something, maybe the only thing I CAN control. Rest is not for me to decide.