The kind of achievement that scares me.

I have an awesome job. There's just no denying it. Although I'm not too sure how long the awesomeness will last. I think I'm still in that excited phase of starting my career, doing fairly well, getting alot of attention and appreciation. But there's always a cynical way to look at things. And unfortunately, I've become slighly cynical.

Till about 2 months ago, I was so sure of not finding the kind of job I wanted, I started mentally preparing myself that I will have to eventually settle for something less than perfect. Then, out of the blue, things fell into place. For a while I was insanely elated about the whole situation. Then, slowly, I started turning cynical about this little success. I don't know why I'm being like that. I don't really have a good enough reason to feel like that. If you look at it positively, I'm working with the world's second largest hotel chain. My job role is exactly what I wanted. I'm getting to learn so so much, courtesy the fact that I have been working without a department head for the last 3 weeks. As a fresher, within the first month of starting this job, I got to prove myself, I got to handle the entire department, I got to make my decisions, I got to make my own mistakes and learn from them. I have recieved way too much appreciation for my work. Most of the other department heads treat me with alot of respect, for handling things well. Even though my designation is of an associate, I get more respect and help than I probably deserve. To top it all, I'm working in an industry where I have so many people to fall back on.

What upsets me a little is the rate at which people move in this industry. A lot of people I liked here, alot of people who liked me, have moved or are going to move. That is what makes me a little insecure. Although their movement only makes my network wider and stronger. What makes it better is that it is my network, not my dad's network in this industry. Even then, I'd rather have them here. People who I can trust and who I can fall back on. People who know me for what I am, and encourage me to be that person.

I'm not sure if I can call all this 'success' since its been only a month and a half. But sometimes, this appreciation, this faith that I can handle things, this respect, it scares me a little. It makes me wonder, how life would have been if this hadn't happened to me. I've seen a lot of people around me, have major ups and downs in their careers. This is my first high, in the real world, the lows are inevitable. But then again, I prefer this to a monotonous stagnant career.

I compare this job alot of times to my AIESEC career. It was very similar. Too much attention, too much appreciation, I think I got a little spoilt! So when I didn't get what I wanted, I didn't take it too well. I guess I will also have my share of ups and downs in the future, I just need to be mentally prepared and less cynical.

Today, my work speaks for myself. I'm waiting for the day when my name will speak for itself.

Goonj.

Goonj - I think the word itself is so beautiful. Goonj means echo. But here, the literal translation would be resonate. I'm referring to an NGO, an organisation named Goonj, which is creating a huge impact on rural India. A few days ago I had the privilege of visiting this place from work. Accor decided to partner with Goonj to help the earthquake and flood victims of Sikkim and Orissa. We, at the hotel had put up boxes to collect things from employees. From the hotel's side, we added loads of uniforms, and alot of linen and towels. I was quite proud of everything we had put together. Then we visited the NGO to drop off all the boxes. I was quite excited about the visit but didn't expect it to move me so much. I expected it to be like one of the many NGOs I have visited. But I was surprised.
To give some background about Goonj, it was started in the late 90s by a media person, who knew a person who's job was to pick up unclaimed dead bodies and deliver them to the cops(for a very small amount of money in return). This man mentioned how his business would flourish during the winters. And also how his daughter would keep warm in the winters with the help of the extra dead bodies. When I heard this story, I was moved. Clearly so was the founder of Goonj. He then decided to make some effort to increase the mobility of cloth and ensure that the underprivileged have enough(especially during winters since more people died because of the cold). They now run a huge workshop, where thousands of clothes come in every week, are repaired, segregated, packed and transported to areas that require them. They don't just do this with clothes, they also help mobilise shoes, toys, utensils, books, sanitary napkins, stationary, medical help like walkers and wheelchairs apart from medicines and many more things.
I'm sure this is something that alot of NGOs are working on in India. Then what makes Goonj different, that made me fall in love with the work they do? They don't just concentrate of issues like poverty, famine, natural disasters or women's hygiene, but also make a conscious effort to help the rural population improve their living conditions, and focus on malnutrition among children in rural India. That how keeping a couple of toys in a local creche in a village helped some mal-nutritioned children to start eating, and eventually learning. Did we ever realise the power a couple of toys would have over such children? They have encouraged villagers to build bridges for themselves, clean their ponds, and learn personal hygiene, in exchange of some clothes, ration and basic utilities. What amazed me most was their sanitary napkins unit. The workshop was pretty big, where they made sanitary towels for all the extra leftover cloth that was of no use. By running this particular unit successfully, they're not just preventing thousands of women from dying or getting infections, but they're helping future generations of women to be more aware and not be ashamed or neglect this monthly cycle.

I've been to alot of NGOs in Pune because of the Development Sector. NGOs that cater to needs of blind people, mentally challenged people, orphans, sex workers' children, HIV positive people. But what I haven't seen is something so basic, cloth, creating such an impact. It might not be considered a major issue, it might not suddenly come into the spot light, like HIV/AIDS or Children's Rights, but its the most basic way of improving the condition of rural India. And that's what they're doing.

What I like even more about them is their financial independence. They don't ask for funds, they mostly don't require them. They realised that the concept of begging only exists in urban India. In rural areas, they're extremely self respecting and refuse to accept anything for free. So they like to pay for whatever they receive. Of course they pay in whatever way they can. Not necessarily in cash. But it helps the organisation raise enough funds. They have other sources as well like book fairs and hand made products. Even when people come and give anything to the organisation, they don't consider it a donation. Because 99% of the times, we end up giving away things we don't require. So they don't need to feel obligated to you, for parting with stuff you didn't need or want anyways.

That evening, I felt good. I felt alive. After a long time, I realised that there was so much more that I need to do to make this lifetime worth it. The visit made me miss Pune alot. It made me miss my DT days filled with NGO appointments, regular visits to some of them and learning events to impart some of this great knowledge to more people. But I also realised I need to do more learning events here. Just because I'm not in Pune and I don't know the NGOs here, is no excuse for me not to contribute or learn or spread the word.

And yes, I do love my job. It lets me do stuff like this. Stuff that I love.

My sister.

This is a really random post about what I think of my relationship with my sister. I usually end up writing about something I've been thinking off alot lately. Maybe the whole day. And the thought of my sister going back to college in another city has been haunting me for a while now.

I had an off today and my sister had to go for work. Unfortunately, her internship doesn't allow her too many offs. So I had to spend the whole day alone at home. Although my mom was around, we usually sit in different rooms, she's usually on the phone, watching tv, doing things around the house etc and I'm just usually online. The entire day. That's how our routine was even when I didn't have a job. But nowadays, I seem to miss my sister too much when she's not around. She's a sister, best friend and a boy friend to me.

We all take our siblings for granted sometime or the other. We all have that phase in life when we have physical fights. Then we move onto a phase when we have verbal (abusive) fights. And then, when we finally start getting along and understanding each other, it's time to move away. That's what happened with my sister and me. I didn't even realise how much my younger sister grew up while I was away in Pune. The sort of phase she went through, which I wanted to protect her from. And then, when I finally moved back home, it was time for her to leave.

My sister and I have shared a great relationship throughout our lives. I loved her from even before she was born. Apparently I went around telling the whole world that if my mummy got me a baby brother, I'd leave him right there, in the hospital itself. Or maybe in Delhi (since we were moving to Hyderabad). I was definite about wanting a baby sister. I must've been quite something even at the age of 3 to threaten my mom. I've been a pretty good older sister to her I think. Yes we used to fight alot as well...but isn't that a phase all of us go through?

What I am proud of, is the relationship we share now. I never really thought we'd reach a point where I'd take her to a shisha place, let her try it for the first time, leave her with my good friends who'd give her vodka shots, and then eventually stand on our balcony with her and share a smoke. Ok maybe I didn't think that day would come so soon. Yet I feel so comfortable with where we are today. For the last year and a half, since she moved away to go to college, she has understood me better than anyone in the world. She finally understood what living away from home was like. She finally understood what sort of stuff is to be told to parents and what's not. She finally understood what living on a budget was like. She also understood why I love my friends so so much. Why they were my life in Pune, and those are bonds I will keep for life. She learnt enough from my experiences to make decisions for herself. I'm not saying necessarily the right decisions. But they are her decisions. She stopped judging me and I never judged her cause I did most of those things myself. As a 19 year old, she helped me through my first break up, giving me advice, abusing my ex, everything it took to see me happier. After 6 months of not smoking, she got me my first cigarette and said here, if this makes you feel any better. She talked to me when I was really depressed, she fought with my mom for me, telling her to back off and not say anything to me, she was a great listener, a good friend, and that one person I really needed to talk to at the end of the day during that horrible phase.

Today, if I am alive, it's for her. I'm not completely over my tough phase yet. But then again, life is never easy. But if I want to do well, it's for her. I want to be able to guide her, be that older sister she can look upto. We still have our deep conversations pretty often, and talking to her always makes me feel better. She's the one person in my family I can cry to (however awkward that makes her).

Today, I bought her a present from my first salary. The joy I felt after that was something I'd never felt before, and it's also something I'd like to feel more often. I want the best for her, in life, and I want to do my best in giving her whatever she wants.

She's going back to college in a month, and will be away for a while. Till now I thought life in Gurgaon was depressing, cause I didn't have a social life here. But what I'm dreading more is that after this month, I won't have my best friend here either. I'll have absolutely no one. I won't have anyone to text to all day, I won't have anyone to pick up after work, I won't have someone to shout at for my room being a mess. I won't have someone to talk to about my day and share a smoke with. I'll miss her more than she will know. 

Superstition.

I'm sure there are loads of people who read their zodiac horoscopes in the newspapers on a daily basis. All of them don't necessarily believe in such things but its just something people do. And it stays in the back of their minds sometimes. Like when deciding what to wear for work, they think, oh...today's lucky colour is green. Maybe I should put this green top on. And when they have a fairly decent and uneventful day, they feel like it worked. And those few times when something good happens, their faith in such things increases a little.

I'm one of those people. I believe in the fact that everything written about my zodiac describes me perfectly. Like its written keeping me in mind. So apparently, Aquarians are soft spoken, dreamers, independent and soothing personalities. So mostly, when I'm not a raving lunatic, I'm pretty much all of those things. Something else that I also like believing is palmistry. Now I know that astrology and palmistry are not superstitions, they're a science in their own way. But sometimes, these things make you superstitious. Nothing else..

When I was in school, some girl in my class offered to read my palm. She didn't really seem like an expert but I played along. She said I seem to have a good career graph but sad love life. Its like my career will compensate for the lack of my love life. We all laughed and in my heart, I hoped that was true. I was so stuck on doing well in life, being successful, that love didn't matter. I didn't even think of relationships until I was in college. And that's pretty late for a "Delhi girl". 

Once I reached college, I had another good friend read my palm. This was about 4 years ago so I don't remember her words exactly, but I remember her saying something similar. That my education and career seemed more hopeful than the love life. I brushed it off again, thinking how does it really matter. I used to be extremely awkward talking about relationships back then. I thought relationships were not for me. Not so surprisingly, my thoughts were exactly the same even after nearly 3 years. Towards the end of my college life. I had the most brilliant 3 years in college (not because of college but because of everything else). I was always happy for all my friends who were in relationships, but I never really understood what it was like. So yes, it was always simpler hanging out with the singles. Through those 3 years, I lead an exceedingly happy single life. I used to be curious sometimes, but not curious enough to try getting into a relationship. People thought I was so weird. 21 years old and never been in a relationship. Even my father asked me jokingly if I swung the other way. But in all honesty, those times when my friends told me about my hopeless love life looking at my palm, were still in the back of my head. Somewhere I had never let that go. Through my college life, a fairly decent amount of hitting on and flirting happened. I was very new to that too. But my friends guided me well. Even then, I never really thought of how it would be if I dated this person. I preferred being alien to the concept of relationships, as crazy as this may sound, considering I am a smart girl, not excessively overweight and not too shabby looking either. 

Then one day things changed. And i reached a situation where I had to make a decision. Not a very easy one. It was a risk I wish I hadn't taken, atleast things wouldn't have become so complicated. And today, A year and a half later, I'm back to square one. Superstitious as ever.

Cause I heard Paperweight today, and that killed a part of me.

Every day, when I fight with my mother, I think I'll never talk to her again. I feel bitter. I feel angry. I feel a very strong emotion of negativity. And then two days later we're usually sitting and chatting like we never fought. That's just me. And I know that's a lot of us. We all feel bitter some time or the other. Bitter about how people behaved with us, treated us, said to us, said about us. But I've learnt that bitterness is a feeling you can't hold on forever. You possibly can't keep a grudge against someone forever. It's just not possible. You can't have the same feeling forever towards one individual. You can't feel love for someone all your life, right? Similarly, you can't be bitter all your life. But you can be bitter for a long time. Even if you pretend to have gotten over it, blame a person or two, try to shrug it away, it doesn't change what you feel in your heart. Either time makes such changes, or situations.

But what doesn't go away that easily is pain. Is remorse. Is the helplessness. You can't just wake up one day and say "you know what, I'm not going to feel bad about someone's death". Its the pain that doesn't leave you, for a long long time. Sometimes I feel, its easier to be angry than to accept that you're in pain. Everyone is not strong enough to pull themselves together and get on with their lives. Some people need more help than others. Some people need friends to be their therapists. Some people try alot but eventually don't get past their pain. The pain absorbs them completely. Its like fighting a losing battle, and then one day, they surrender.
I might be one of them.

Ok, I'm done feeling sappy for tonight.

The life of a nomad.

In the twenty two years of my existence, there hasn't been one place that i could call home. It's like being a sapling, that is uprooted every time it starts spreading its roots in one place. I've lived in a lot of cities, I liked some, I hated some. But there was only one that I loved. maybe that's because I found more people like me there. We didn't really belong to that place, yet we all felt like we belonged.

I've been back in Gurgaon for over seven months now, but I still can't get myself to call this place home. My parents have a better social life than me. Even my younger sister has a better social life than me! And that's really saying something! I have a job here now, but that doesn't mean I belong. I might have a comfortable life here, but I'd give it up for a nomad's life in an instant. It's like being on an extended vacation, just grossly over extended. So the excitement of shopping, doing things with the family, the comforts and luxuries of home don't seem that attractive anymore.

I've met alot of people, who've spent their entire life in one city. They're in their comfort zone, satisfied with the fact that their life has not had sudden and huge changes, satisfied that there are people they know, they've known since junior school or high school at the most. They've lived in the same area, have had the same hang outs, have known their cities inside out. I envy those people sometimes. I wonder what it would've been like, if we had never moved out of Delhi. Or maybe just stayed back in one of the 7-8 cities that we lived in. I would've been able to keep in touch with those friends, I would've seen my city change through the years, I would've had certain routines and a certain lifestyle.

Sometimes, I'm glad we moved around so much. The travelling, the exposure, the different experiences taught me alot. Maybe more than I could've handled, but then again, they're life lessons that I had to learn sometime or the other. Dealing with different people, settling into a new lifestyle, a new culture, new schools, new houses, new neighbours, etc etc. It was a learning experience all the time. Excessive learning sometimes. And that's what made me a no mad. It helped me appreciate the good compared to the terrible places we've lived in. It helped me appreciate good friends, different cultures and most importantly, it helped me meet new people and fall in love.

One of my classmates from college tweeted this quote she read at the Delhi airport that said "When you feel no desire to wander is when you know that you belong". And I could really relate to it. Because I have that desire to wander, and maybe wander for the rest of my life, looking for that place where I would belong. And someday, somewhere, I will feel at home. 

Incomplete. Still.

Today was one of those perfect days that could explain the feeling I was talking about last night. I had a good day at work today. A productive day. A hectic day. I stayed an extra hour. I was dying for this to happen to me. The crazy work hours, the randomness at the office, calling for tarts when things got boring, fresh air to get to know the staff better, locker room conversations, and then changing into a dirty crumpled t shirt at the end of the day only to bump into the big boss on my way out. A couple of weeks back, I would have killed for even half of that. Some sort of diversion or distraction from what life had become.

Then why doesn't it feel different? It's not that I'm being greedy for more or for something better, but it's that special element in my life that's missing. Its an emptiness that refuses to go away. It's like standing in the middle of some beautiful place, really really beautiful, and not being able to feel a thing. There's colour and hapiness and beauty and other gay shit all around, but it makes no difference to the heart. Its like a finger print reading machine that suddenly stopped recognizing you one day. Ok, I agree that was a pathetic comparison, but you get my point right?

On a brighter note, now I am really tempted to swing the other way. Just cause of one person. I never thought one person could have that sort of effect on my life. I have come to realize and accept that man is a selfish being. Also, every human being always wants something better. Even when they should be happy ogling, they try, and then they get slapped. I haven't reached the slap yet. But i will soon.

 I miss my old life. I really do. Today, someone told me at work, that they see alot of potential in me and can see me go places. I'm supposed to be happy after that right? I was happy for a while, and then I thought, if I had been in a smaller city, not in such a great job, not with the brightest prospects, but with the people I adored and loved, in the place that felt like home, living the life I already had, maybe I'd have been happy there too.

Maybe, just maybe, I can't have the best of both worlds. Then what would I strive for, right? If I had that perfect life, who'd I be envious of? So I'll just have to be content with what I have, and keep working towards something, maybe the only thing I CAN control. Rest is not for me to decide.